Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
