You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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