Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
