Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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