Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
