Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
