Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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