he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
