I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
