My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
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The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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