i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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