I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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