she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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