Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Found your dick twin last night
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
