fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
A+ Viking dick
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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