I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It's rum buckets o'clock
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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