I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
