you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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