Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
