The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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