wake up i wanna do it froggy style
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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