Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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