YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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