Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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