Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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