I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Is it penis luge time yet?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
