you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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