It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
