i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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