finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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