then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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