oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize