I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
