Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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