I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
