so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
