Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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