I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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