In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
