yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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