He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
