I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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