I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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