We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
