Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
