he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
