You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
