omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
