my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
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I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
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Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect