Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
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the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
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When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?