How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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