dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
