I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
