this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
