So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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