I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
